Sometimes, I say no to hanging out with friends or going out for no apparent reason. And I’m not quite sure why I do this. I mean, I’m not busy, there is absolutely nothing that I have going on. But, for some reason I just say no. I’m not sure what would happen if my friends pushed the subject, like tried to get me to go, because that’s never happened. They never push for me to go after I say no. And I’ve never done it to some friends. But for some reason I do it more and more now a days.
It usually goes something like this. A friend invites me out and I say no. For no reason. Or I hesitate. I say maybe, or yes and then decide later on that I’m not feeling it and come up with a stupid reason to not go. And so then I just stay at home and do nothing, like watch movie or tv show, or sleep, or listen to music, but never anything important. Maybe once, I’ve written something or have been productive. I don’t know.
I don’t really understand why I do it, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’d like to know why, but I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I am a homebody and if I’m going out I never want to doubt that I will have fun or that I will enjoy myself. Maybe that is why I say no, or hesitate so much. Whis is weird. Because you’re with friends, you should have fun right? You know you’ll enjoy yourself? Or you’re supposed to? I don’t know, but there are many times where I’m just not sure.
I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to share this with you to not feel so weird. I wonder if anyone else does this.
I find that I don’t really compare myself to others as much as I compare other people and how they treat me to others. I know that this sounds weird, but let me explain. I have had loads of bad friends, friends that I thought were great and turned out to hurt me through different means. I try not to let that hinder me making new friends, but I’m sure it does a little. Instead of looking at someone and wanting to be like them though, I look at the way they act around people, or the way people act around them… and I think subconsciously I sometimes compare the way I act around people, or the way people act around me to that. I get jealous of the way friends act to other people, and I question if I have any friends like that, friends that seem so good. Now, I’m sure that that is residual damage from having countless of friends who thought that I needed to change in able to be their friend, or the numerous amount of friends that turned out to be nothing but people who were just using me but, all the same, I find myself doing this… and recently I’ve started to feel bad about it.
Now, I have two very different sets of friends. I have my US friends and my UK friends, and you can see why I keep them separate. Well, me and mother nature. Before I went to uni in England, I thought nothing of this habit, just thought it was something everyone did, and I never felt bad about it. I never felt bad over imagining up friends, or imagining how people would be if they were my friends. But then I went to uni. And I met some amazing people, who became amazing friends. And I was happy, really really happy for the most part. I had friends who understood me, friends who challenged me, friends who cared about me, and friends that thought I was alright. I think somewhere, in the back of my head, I occasionally would start to over-think and wonder what these new friends really thought of me. Again, I’m guessing that that is damage from my past. But, unlike when this happened in the US, all my worries were put to rest when I hung out with people, even if it was just seeing them the next day in class. Even the people who I annoyed at 10 AM lectures, with my pep, seemed to like me. And I was amazed. And very confused.
Now, I’m not saying I got along with everyone. And there were a couple of moments where I definitely felt on the outside, due to people (or my own) actions. But these moments never really got me down, as there was always someone I could turn to, whether it be a roommate, another classmate, or a random friend I have no idea how I became friends with. And the year was no where near perfect. There were fights. There was drama. There were times where I just wanted to sit in my room and cry, and there were times where I did just that. There were times where I was homesick, and there were times where I never wanted to go back. But I don’t think there was a time where I realized how amazing friends I had made, at least, not until I was on the bus to the airport to head home for the summer.
I think I took it for granted. I’m not sure how you can take a friendship for granted, but I think I did. Because, upon my return, I was excited to meet up with my old friends. I was excited to see them and share with them my incredible year and hear about theirs. And I was worried about seeing how much had changed. And when I had come home over break, it had felt like nothing had changed. But, over the summer, I got to see how things had changed. Or maybe I had just changed. Maybe I had grown so accustomed to this higher level of friendship but I found myself getting annoyed with my US friends, or some of them, for things that had never annoyed me before. I felt like I had new eyes, and I was looking at my friendships for the first time. And I wasn’t happy with them. Now, I won’t go into the details as to why, as they are all different, but only a couple friends didn’t annoy me… and hopefully I didn’t annoy them. But, of course, those were the friends that were always busy.
So, I found myself falling back into this habit, a habit which I had unknowingly not done for over six months. And I started feeling bad… because I would watch people with their friends and I would compare it to myself and my friends and I knew that my UK friends were great and amazing and we probably acted like that in our very own way but I still couldn’t stop myself because they weren’t around me. And I felt alone. I found myself dreading things, things that I used to love in high school, because I would rather stay home to text or have short conversations with my UK friends than go out. Because every time I was going out with my friends I would come back feeling bad, or worse, or like I had wasted time. And that made me feel even worse. Worse, I felt like there were things I couldn’t say, in fear of hurting feelings or in fear of getting hurt.
I haven’t really resolved this, so I can’t shed much light as to what to do if you feel the same. But, I needed to share this with someone, to get it off my chest. Because I tried to tell Jordan about it today and the words just came out wrong, which was completely my fault. So maybe, this can help you if you are going through the same thing? I know that I want to stop comparing the people in my life to the people in other people’s lives, as I know that I can’t really know what they are like. I think it would be nice to watch a movie or tv show or youtube video without thinking “man, I wish I had a friend like that….” or something along those line. I know that some of the friends I have here (US) don’t help me with this problem, as they actively and openly compare themselves to other people, and think less of themselves. And I would be lying if I said that it didn’t bring me down. But, I can’t just quit… these people got me through high school. And I don’t want to hurt their feelings, which I know I would do if I said any or all of this to them. So, I don’t know what to do on that front. But I think, as a start, I will try to say “Man, my friends are great” or “I do have friends like that” whenever those thoughts pop into my head, and maybe I’ll even message those friends when I think of that and tell them how much they mean to me as a friend, or just make them smile a little bit. And I’m hoping that one day, my past will stop haunting me so much.